Only Human
by DuoShinagami
Summary: Duo comes face to face with his fears and what piloting the Deatscythe is doing to him.


* DISCLAIMER * I do not own any of the Gundam Wing characters, I just use them every now and again. 

****

Only Human

He opened his eyes to a darkness so absolute; it felt like it was pressing on his eyeballs. He turned his head to the left and right, but the darkness surrounded him completely. Standing absolutely still, hardly breathing, he tried to extend his senses to their fullest. He didn't hear anything, see anything, feel anything. 'Am I dead?' he thought. He extended his hands and wiggled his fingers back and forth, then down the front of his shirt, finally reaching around the back of his head for this thick braid. 'Nah. I would have remembered getting killed. Must be some OZ thing.'

Putting his hands out in front of him, Duo stepped forward, judging that he was on some sort of hard flooring from the sound his shoes made. He gained confidence after a few moments when nothing appeared in front of him and began to regain his usual cocky stride. 'I wonder how far this goes on and why there aren't any lights?' Suddenly he froze. 'What was that?'

He stilled his breathing and strained his ears, trying to hear the sound again above the beating of his heart. There, like a whisper on the wind, "Shinigami…" 

'There! To the left!' Duo turned and walked toward the sound he'd heard, trying not to run. "Shinigami..." the voice crooned, sounding almost like a lover. "Hilde?" Duo shouted, hearing how oddly flat his voice sounded in this space. He began to run. "Hilde, I'm coming, hang on!" He ran faster, the sound of his breathing becoming harsher in his ears, his heart beating harder. He forced himself to stop and listen again. After a moment, "Shinigami..." The call came softly to the right this time.

Duo hurtled forward at full speed, not caring if he did smack into a wall. If Hilde was in trouble, OZ would feel it. He slowly realized he was beginning to see a faint glow and ran harder. The glow grew brighter and began to form a shape, a shape he was familiar with. 'Deathscythe?' He slowed down and came to a stop in front of the giant machine, craning his neck to look up. The glow was coming from the 'eyes' of the Gundam. 'Is someone inside it?' Duo stepped forward and squinted up at the immense Gundam. Looking around himself in the dim glow, Duo could see no one else. "Hilde?" he called out again softly. When there was no response, he circled completely around Deathscythe. The surrounding darkness seemed to press in again a few feet beyond the light emanating from the Gundam and Duo could not tell what lay beyond. 

"Hmm. Looks like it's just me and you, big guy." Duo stepped forward, but the moment he did, the beam scythe flared to life.

"Hey!" Duo shouted, "Whoever you are, you'd better get outta my Gundam!"

"Shinigami..." came the call again, sounding like a chorus of voices all around him. 

Duo whirled around, eyes wide. "Who's there?" he shouted, seeing no one. Beyond the bright glare of the beam scythe there was nothing but the blackness of this seeming non-place.

He turned back to the Gundam and took another step. "Shinigami..." he heard again, this time harsh and shrill. Duo clapped his hands to his ears and closed his eyes.

"Stop it! Who are you? What do you want?"

"Shinigami!" The word was harsh and guttural, almost a command and Duo felt it reverberate inside his mind.

"Yes! Yes, I'm here!" Duo clenched his fists by his sides and shouted defiantly at the mobile suit. "What do you want?"

"Death," came the chorus of voices as the awesome twin blades of energy sliced down.

**

Duo's eyes snapped open to darkness again and he experienced a moment of vertigo before he realized he was in bed in one of the guestrooms at Quatre's compound. He sat up and shook his head, raising the heavy braid off of the back of his sweaty neck. 

His breathing still harsh, he looked around the room to reassure himself that everything was the same as it had been when he'd gone to sleep. The clock by the bed read 3:30 in unforgiving red light and Duo frowned, knowing that he was done sleeping for the night. 

Duo fell back to the pillow and exhaled shakily. "It was just a dream," he whispered, looking up at the ceiling. He tried to clear his mind and relax, but he kept thinking about the nightmare. 'What were those voices? What was that place? Why would my Gundam try to kill me?' Not able to come up with any answers, he decided he might as well get started for the day. He took a shower and dressed, noting it was starting to get light outside and headed toward Deathscythe. 

It looked the same as it ever did: huge, forbidding and very dangerous. Quatre's technicians here had been making a few repairs on it here and there to prepare for his return to outer space and they had put a nice shine on the gundanium exterior. The cockpit was open, so Duo went in and sat down, placing his hands on the controls. 'Still feels the same.' He closed the hatch, waiting for the interior lights and displays to come up and ran a short diagnostic. 'Everything checks out. Doesn't look like anyone's messed with it.' Duo sat very quietly in the pilot's seat, straining to hear anything beyond the occasional beeps of the systems and heard nothing. 

Unable to find anything wrong, Duo shrugged and exited the Gundam. The compound was starting to stir and he headed toward the informal dining area to see if there was anything good to eat yet. 'Probably just nerves. Everyone's jumpy these days. Damn war,' he thought as he walked along, absently following his nose. Pouring himself a cup of coffee from the pot on the table, Duo slumped down in a chair, staring into the dark liquid.

"Good morning, Duo," Quatre said cheerfully when he entered the room. He sat down and looked closely at the other Gundam pilot. "Duo?"

"Huh? Oh. Morning, Quatre."

"Are you feeling okay? I can call one of the medical technicians," Quatre offered, voice full of concern.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just didn't get much sleep last night." Duo made an effort to sit up and sipped his coffee, frowning at its cool temperature.

Quatre waited expectantly for him to elaborate and realized no elaboration was going to be forthcoming when Duo continued to stare into space. He sighed and poured himself a cup of tea. "Good morning, Miss Noin," he said brightly when she walked in and poured a cup of coffee.

"Good morning, Quatre." Noin sat down across from Duo and noticed the vacant look in his eyes. "What's wrong with him?" she asked, turning to Quatre.

"I don't know. He said he didn't sleep well." Fez wearing servants began to bring in the morning's repast and Quatre thanked them when they were done. "Duo," he ventured, waving his hand in front of the pilot's face, "are you hungry?"

Duo shook his head abruptly and his eyes lost their vacant look and focused on Noin. "When did you get here?" he asked, frowning.

Noin just shook her head and served herself some eggs and sausage. "Are you going to be okay today, Duo?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just woke up a little earlier than usual, that's all." Duo served himself a healthy portion of eggs, sausage and toast as well as more coffee. He looked at his food and half listened to Noin and Quatre talk about their plans for going back into outer space to try to find the other Gundam pilots. Duo and Quatre were to be in their Gundams while Noin piloted a shuttle with her white Taurus suit onboard. They wanted to make sure they were prepared for anything OZ or the Romefeller Foundation or White Fang might throw at them. Finding himself just pushing the food around on his plate, he excused himself from the table. "I need to run some diagnostics on the Deathscythe before we go," he said lamely, not missing the looks he got from Quatre and Noin.

Back in his room, he quickly packed his essentials into his worn duffel bag, making sure to leave nothing behind, not sure if he'd ever be back. He walked quickly back to the hangar, not making eye contact with any of the people he passed, feeling tenser with each passing second. 'What's wrong with me?' he thought, consciously slowing his pace down. He didn't want to alarm anyone by running through the compound. The way things were these days; he might set off an attack alert or something. Once inside of Deathscythe, he stowed his bag and settled back into the pilot's seat, leaving the cockpit open. 

He ran through a quick check of the instruments and found nothing had changed since earlier that morning. Still feeling a bit uneasy, he settled deeper into the seat and closed his eyes. A few moments later, he was dreaming again. Running in that black non-place whispers all around him. 'Shinigami...' they called, over and over again. Duo ran faster, smiling grimly when he saw Deathscythe in a circle of blazing light, twin bladed scythe ready. Ready for him. With a growl, Duo gathered himself and jumped, launching himself at the Gundam as the blade flashed down again--

"Duo!"

Duo's eyes snapped open and he saw Quatre's face inches from his own, hands gripping his shoulders, shaking him. He looked down from his friend's face and saw his own hands gripping Quatre's vest, knuckles completely white and bloodless. "Quatre," he croaked, releasing his hold on the material. He saw Noin step up behind Quatre, already in a flight suit, helmet under one arm. 

"Is everything okay, Quatre?" she asked, watching Duo closely. She trusted the Gundam pilots, but what they did was hard work and, like any other soldiers in a war, they were always in danger of snapping.

"I don't know Miss Noin. Duo?"

Duo nodded. "Yeah," he rasped and then cleared his throat. "Yeah, everything's fine. I guess I was napping and Quatre startled me." He smiled then, one of his famous Duo Maxwell grins and Quatre let go of his shoulders and stood up, eyes still showing doubt. "Hey, Quatre, we'd better get suited up if we're going to go. We're holding Noin up."

He jumped up out of his seat and quickly walked toward the pilot changing area, giving Quatre no choice but to follow him. Duo had pulled on his flight suit over his clothes and grabbed a helmet when Quatre put a gloved hand on his arm. "Would you rather ride in the shuttle with Miss Noin? There's room for Deathscythe." 

Quatre was completely serious Duo realized and for a brief second, he considered it. Maxwell bravado kicked in then and he shrugged off Quatre's hand. "You know we've got to be ready for anything that's out there. Noin's a great pilot, but that Taurus isn't as strong as our Gundams. I'll be fine. We'll get to the Winner resource satellite and I'll sack out there."

Quatre nodded. "Okay, just don't be so hard to wake up next time."

**

Duo glanced out of the right viewport to make sure he could still see the shuttle and Sandrock, smiling at the conversation between Noin and Quatre. They were currently discussing ancient eastern philosophies and getting quite heated up over it by the sound. Duo flipped on his com. "Hey you two, I don't think Confucius and Mohammad really care who wins your argument. Let's keep it friendly, okay?"

"Peace be upon His name. But Duo, surely you must understand--"

"Duo, Quatre's just a kid, what does he know of the truths of--"

"Hey, hey, don't draw me into your 'discussion' now," the pilot cut them both off, unable to suppress a wide grin at their passionate arguments. "I'm just saying that we're all going to be cooped up together for a while, that's all." He switched off his com and sat back, shaking his head at the two irrepressible debaters, knowing their discussion could very well last the whole way to the Winner satellite. Duo closed his eyes and rubbed his temples. His earlier nightmares continued to bother him, but it had been a very quiet trip so far. Deathscythe hadn't given him any problems, no mobile dolls had shown up yet and he still couldn't figure out a reason for those odd dreams. 

'Those voices. They seem almost familiar. There isn't anyone else who calls me Shinigami, though.' The blaring of his suit's proximity alert startled Duo, still lost in thought. Looking at the heads-up display he frowned. "Shit!" Thumbing the com on again, he interrupted Quatre and Noin again. "We've got company. 5 mobile doll carriers."

"Scanning them now," came Noin's clipped voice. "It's Romefeller. Okay, guys, go get 'em."

"Right, Miss Noin," Quatre acknowledged as he accelerated toward the Virgo suits. Their plan was for the two Gundams to draw the fire of the dolls and for Noin in the shuttle to skirt around the battle area. If forced, she would abandon the shuttle in her mobile suit, losing the supplies they were taking to the resource satellite, but that couldn't be helped. 

Duo followed Quatre quickly, adrenaline already pumping and ignited the double-bladed scythe. Piloting his Gundam into battle always gave Duo a thrill, this melding of man and machine, but there was something different this time. 'No nightmare's going to get the better of Duo Maxwell. I'm still the God of Death,' he thought grimly, slicing into his first mobile doll. 

Fully engaged in battle, Duo began to experience a little of the vertigo he'd felt when he woke up from that first nightmare. He shook his head to clear it and focussed on his next target. He brought the scythe down and before his unbelieving eyes, the heads-up display showed an image of himself instead of the mobile suit he'd targeted. "What?!" he exclaimed, aborting his attack and veering off. As soon as he stopped his attack, the display returned to normal.

"Duo, is everything all right?" Quatre, Duo realized slowly, still dazed by what he saw.

"Yeah, my display went a bit funny, that's all. You okay?"

"Fine. Just about finished up. Heading over to give you a hand now."

"Hey, I don't need any help! You go make sure Noin is okay."

"I'm fine, Duo. They don't even know I'm here."

"Okay. Do it your way." Duo grunted as a shot from one of the Virgos glanced off of the gundanium exterior and turned to target it. 'Whatever that was must have been a fluke,' he thought to himself. 'I need to get some more sleep is all.' This time, he decided to use his vulcans on the mobile doll, smiling triumphantly when he saw it explode. 

Confidently, he zoomed up to another group of mobile dolls, scythe at the ready. Once again, his display changed, showing not himself this time, but his Gundam, flying towards him through space. He shook his head again and tried to bring his scythe down on where he remembered a mobile doll had been, but the controls would not respond. "Come on!" he yelled in frustration, "What's wrong with you?" He tried firing again and that would not respond either, although all of the displays showed normal. All of them except for his targeting display. In it, the other Deathscythe was getting closer and its twin blades of doom were not malfunctioning at all. 

"Duo, hold on, I'm coming!" Quatre shouted into his com, quickly dispatching the two mobile dolls in front of him. 

Duo felt paralyzed, unable to do anything but stare at the vision from his dream, forcibly reminded of the time he'd piloted the Wing Zero and what it had showed him. His hands fell numbly from the controls, he distantly felt Deathscythe rocking from the hits it was taking from the mobile dolls. The other Gundam in the display was closer now, almost within striking range and Duo suddenly felt galvanized and he grabbed the controls, pushing his Gundam forward, toward his enemy. As responsive now as it had been unresponsive a few moments ago, Deathscythe leapt forward. "You won't kill me! I am the God of Death!" Duo distantly heard himself shouting.

Noin watched in horror as Duo sent his Gundam hurtling directly toward Sandrock. "Quatre, he's coming right for you! What's gotten into him?"

"I see him, Miss Noin," Quatre said grimly. "Don't worry, I've got him." Ignoring the bursts of fire from the mobile dolls, Quatre concentrated on the Gundam heading straight for him, bracing himself for the impact. When it came, he was still surprised at the force and barely managed to stop the deadly energy blade from coming down. Duo was still shouting incoherently, oblivious to the energy arcing all around the two mobile suits. Quatre shouted his name several times; watching him on the com screen as he slowly came back to himself.

"Quatre...I... Oh God..."

"I think you'd better head back to the shuttle and Miss Noin," Quatre said firmly, moving his Gundam away from Duo's. "I'll take care of the rest."

**

Duo slumped miserably in the overstuffed chair and stared at his hands. 'What kind of Gundam pilot am I? What's wrong with me?' He didn't look up when he heard Quatre enter the room and sit in the chair opposite him. He heard him pouring two cups of tea, smelled the rich scent. 'Tea. Only Quatre. I almost kill the guy and he offers me tea. He probably pisses the stuff.'

He waited quietly for the blond pilot to speak and was surprised when he held his silence. Duo thought about the rest of the trip to the Winner satellite. He'd slept a little in the shuttle and had the same dream again. The voices, the Gundam, the black void. This time, he tried to get into it to control it, much like the first dream, and again it tried to destroy him. Although he had woken up before his own demise so far, he feared what would happen if he didn't wake up. Upon their arrival at the satellite, Quatre had invited him to relax in the library and that he would join him shortly. Duo had been sitting miserably ever since. 

Quatre looked at his friend with concern. This wasn't the Duo he'd gotten to know. This Duo was silent and withdrawn, even his braid hung limply. He didn't notice anything wrong the day before, when they finalized their plans to go back into outer space with Miss Noin. Just since this morning. Quatre sipped his tea thoughtfully. 'He said he didn't get enough sleep. I think it's more than just simple sleep deprivation.' He cleared his throat and winced to see Duo almost cringe.

"Duo, Miss Noin and I think there is something you're not telling us," Quatre said gently.

Duo looked up and Quatre was alarmed to see how bloodshot his blue eyes were. "Heh. You could say that." He looked back down at his hands, rubbing the thumbs together over and over again.

Quatre waited patiently and thought about that old joke, 'How do you keep a blond in suspense?' When he saw Duo was not going to volunteer anything else, he set his cup down on the table next to the chair and leaned forward, trying to get Duo to look at him. "Do you want to talk to one of our psyche techs about it?"

"No. I just need to get some rest." Duo was silent and Quatre leaned back in the chair and resumed his tea drinking. "I...think I need to take some time off from fighting. Get my head together."

"Are you sure? You could talk to one of the people here. Miss Noin and I could really use you and your Gundam."

Duo looked up and met his friend's eyes. "I'm sure. You can use the Gundam if I can leave it here. Let one of the other guys pilot it."

"What?"

"It just doesn't...feel right. You're sure no one tinkered around with the systems, right? Didn't try and put a Zero system in or anything, right?"

"No, no one did anything like that. You should know, you were hopping over their shoulders every minute." Quatre smiled, receiving only a tired half smile in return. "Well, I can't tell you what to do, Duo," he said after a moment. "If you want to leave, I can't stop you. You know you can leave Deathscythe here. I can arrange a shuttle to take you anywhere you want to go."

"Thanks, Quatre." Duo looked at him quietly for a moment. "You know, you're the only really decent one of us." Before Quatre could open his mouth to protest, Duo was gone.

**

Duo stood in front of the church with his duffel bag on his shoulder, black cap drawn tightly over his face. 'So they rebuilt it,' he thought, looking at the rather squat red brick building. There was a nice garden in front with a memorial plaque to Father Maxwell, Sister Helen and the others that'd perished that horrible day. Duo's heart still ached every time he thought of that day. The day he'd lost the only real family he'd ever known. Duo squared his shoulders and entered the church, mildly surprised that he remembered to genuflect and make the sign of the cross once inside. 

The church was mostly empty with it being early afternoon on Friday. It looked like only old ladies were present praying or lighting candles. A couple of them looked like he felt and just sat staring at the altar. He took a seat in a pew toward the back of the building and sat and stared for a little while himself, letting the memories come and go as they would. Finally he sighed and dug in the pocket of his jacket, feeling his fingers finally come in contact with the smooth beads of the rosary Sister Helen had given him all those years ago.

Duo pulled it out, knelt and started to pray. 'Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name...' He didn't know how long he knelt there, saying the prayers over and over until he'd gone through the whole rosary twice, and felt completely drained when he was finished. He sat back in the pew and drew the wooden rosary beads between his fingers, soothed by their smooth feel. 

Quatre had been as good as his word. Duo told him he wanted to go back to his home colony and he'd arranged for it. He planned to stay with an old friend of his from his Sweeper days, 'Too bad he doesn't know it, yet,' Duo had mused as he left the spaceport. 

Unaware of the passage of time, he sat in the pew, comforted by what had once been familiar surroundings with the rosary dangling from one hand when there was a tap on his shoulder. Startled, he turned to see who had touched him and saw a girl stepping back into the aisle looking like he'd frightened her with his reaction.

"I'm sorry, Father!" she exclaimed anxiously, looking around to see if she'd disturbed anyone else.

"What?" Duo asked, shaking his head. Who was this girl?

"I'm sorry I startled you." She came back into the pew and lowered her voice. "Father Thomas asked me to look for you and bring you to the rectory."

"To look for me? Lady, there must be some mistake," Duo grinned, looking at the flustered girl. She looked maybe around his age, but didn't dress like any ordinary teenager. Instead of the jeans or sweaters he would expect, she looked like a little old librarian with her long sleeved blouse and below the knee skirt, her brown hair drawn into a tight bun. The thick-framed glasses she wore only enhanced the librarian image. 

"No, Father Thomas told me to look for a young priest with a travelling bag," she insisted earnestly.

"Priest, I'm not--" Duo caught himself and smiled sheepishly. "Oh. Well, I guess you would get that idea. Listen, what's your name?"

"Jacqueline."

"Jacqueline. Can I call you Jackie?" Jacqueline nodded slightly. No one had ever called her Jackie. "I'm not a priest. I know I'm dressed like one, but believe me, that's as far as it goes. I'm just...visiting here. I used to know some people here a long time ago." Duo paused for a moment, not sure if he was getting through to the girl or not. "Here, let me introduce myself," he put out his hand, rosary swinging from his wrist, "Duo Maxwell."

She took it hesitantly, surprised at how callused his palm felt. No priest she'd shaken hands with before had hands like this. "Maxwell...Did you know Father Maxwell?"

Duo let go of her hand, struck at the smallness of it. "Yes, I knew Father Maxwell," he said cautiously, glancing around with his eyes to see if anyone was listening in on their conversation. There were a few more people in the church now, but no one within earshot. 

"Oh! Then I should take you to see Father Thomas. He knew Father Maxwell too and I know he would love to meet you. Maybe you two already know each other?" She stood up and motioned for him to follow.

Duo opened his mouth to protest and then shrugged and stood up, putting the rosary back into the pocket of his jacket and shouldering his duffel bag. He followed the slight girl out of the back entrance of the church and saw some other girls wearing similar outfits. 'School uniform,' he thought, noticing that none of the other girls looked nearly as mousy as Jacqueline did. They went down several hallways, Duo marveling at the all-new construction. He'd seen the buildings but didn't think they were associated with the church. "None of this was here before, even before..." he said, voice trailing off.

"Yes, this is all new. Father Thomas was very instrumental in obtaining funding and donations of labor and materials. A lot of people in the community worked on it. The church was rebuilt soon after...And then the rectory and school were recently completed."

They stopped in front of a door with a modest nameplate inscribed with "Father Thomas" and Jacqueline knocked softly.

"Come in," answered a strong voice Duo hadn't heard in a long time.

Jacqueline opened the door and entered, motioning for Duo to follow her. The office they entered was very full. The large desk dominated it and bookshelves crammed with papers, books and pictures lined three walls. The desk was similarly full of papers, files, pictures and more books with only a small space cleared for the laptop computer. Two chairs were in front of the desk and these also had books piled on the seats. Father Thomas was hard at work typing on the laptop computer and hardly looked up when they came in. "Yes?" he asked distractedly.

"Father Thomas?" Jacqueline started. "I've got someone here I think you'd like to meet."

"Jacqueline? Is it Father Tempesta?" He looked up and frowned slightly at Duo. "I'm sorry, you don't look like Father Tempesta."

"I'm not. You don't recognize me, Matt?" Duo smiled nervously, rocking on the balls of his feet.

Father Thomas shook his head. "I do not. You must know me, though. No one calls me Matt these days."

"Maybe this'll help." Duo put down the duffel bag and removed his cap, ruffling his bangs a little. Then, reaching around the back of his head, he pulled his braid out of his jacket. Having it under his jacket was a simple but often effective disguise, he'd found. "Well, do you recognize me now?" he asked, turning around in a full circle before the astonished priest. 

"Duo..." Father Matthew Thomas whispered, standing up and moving around the desk to gather the younger man in a bone-crushing hug. 

Duo grunted with the force of the man's hug. "Take it easy," he wheezed. 

Father Thomas held him at arm's length and looked at him. "Duo! The last time I saw you, you were just a skinny runt with a runny nose!" he beamed.

"Yeah, heh. What about you? Last time I saw you, you were still taking kid's lunch money," Duo grinned, remembering the older kid he'd admired so much.

"Father Thomas!" Jacqueline exclaimed, shocked that he'd ever done such a thing.

"Now, Jacqueline, that was all a long time ago." He looked back at Duo. "Sit down, where have you been? What brings you here?"

Duo gestured at one of the chairs in front of the desk. "I would sit down, but..."

"Hmm, yes I see." Father Thomas began stacking the books in the chair seat on a corner of the desk in an unsteady tower. He went back to his seat behind the desk and Duo sat in the now cleared off chair. "Jacqueline, we're probably going to be a while. Why don't you go back to the church and see if Father Tempesta is here yet? When he arrives, show him to the rectory, please?"

"Yes Father Thomas." She turned to open the door and looked back at Duo. "It was nice meeting you, Duo."

Duo smiled at her and noticed her slight flush of color. "Yes, you too, Jackie. See you later."

Father Thomas smiled when the young girl closed the door and said, "Wonderful girl. So terrible about her parents. Another time. So, Duo, what have you been doing with yourself these days?"

Duo took a deep breath and told him. Everything.

**

Duo squinted at his watch in the dim light and saw that this time, the nightmare had let him sleep until 4:30 in the morning. He was still breathing hard and had broken out into a sweat, but found he was getting used to the routine. Duo stayed sitting up and wrapped his arms around his knees, hugging himself and rocking slightly. His thoughts turned to the afternoon he had spent in Matt's 'No, Father Thomas's,' Duo corrected himself, office. 

He'd told his old friend everything, about the Sweeper Group, his role as a Gundam Pilot and the deaths he'd caused and the nightmares he'd began suffering. "I was so proud," he whispered, "so proud to be fighting for my colony, for what I believed was right. I thought I was a god. The God of Death." Father Thomas had murmured something about Duo being a soldier in a horrible war and not to blame himself, but Duo interrupted him.

"Do you know how many people I've killed?" Duo asked his friend, voice tight and strained, looking him straight in the eye.

"I couldn't possibly know, but I'm sure--"

"Hundreds. Maybe even thousands. Not all of them enemy soldiers, either. You blow up a huge ship, there are bound to be maintenance workers, cooks, ordinary people. I was on a beach one time and met this kid. He said his daddy works for OZ. I probably killed his dad!" Duo had raised his voice and was almost shouting now.

"Duo, calm down, war--"

"I killed a little boy's father! Look at these hands!" He thrust his hands toward the priest, palms out. "Can you see the blood? I am not a god! I'm not even human anymore!" He'd collapsed then and Duo's face burned slightly at the memory of crying, sobbing like a lost child and being comforted by the former bully.

After what seemed like hours, he recovered enough to start talking again. "Now, I have these nightmares," he rasped, throat still thick with recently shed tears, "and I'm the one being destroyed. What does it mean? What will happen if I don't wake up before my Gundam kills me?"

Father Thomas told him he was exhausted and needed to spend some time relaxing, away from being a soldier. "Confession is good for the soul, Duo. You've taken an important first step. What you've told me will go no farther than this office. You're safe here." He convinced Duo to stay at the rectory at least for the night and now he looked around the sparsely furnished room.

'Safe. That's a new concept.' Duo continued to stare into the dim room letting his thoughts wander. 'I wonder how Quatre and Noin are. I should contact them, let 'em know I'm okay. Thank Quatre. Again.' Absently he reached for the end of his braid and ran the smooth unbraided strands at the end through his fingers. He thought of the girl he'd met earlier today. 'Jackie. I think I can guess what happened to her parents. Fucking OZ. Boy, she's nothing like Hilde. Hilde...'

A vision of the former OZ mobile suit pilot flashed before him. He was still trying to sort out his feelings for the brave, short-haired girl. When he was with her, he felt...different, like he could take on OZ, the Romefeller Foundation and anyone else if it meant she would smile at him. That feeling scared him. The last night he saw her they had started kissing, but Duo couldn't handle the feeling between them; couldn't handle the possibility of his feelings putting her in danger, couldn't handle the thought of being responsible for someone else's safety. He'd broken away then, muttering some baloney about being the God of Death, not looking at her face, at her tears. He'd gone back into outer space the next day and hadn't seen her since. 

When Quatre told him he could arrange a shuttle anywhere he wanted to go, his first thought had been of Hilde. To see her again. To make sure she was still safe. His second thought was of what he had almost done to Quatre and that made him dismiss the notion of going to see Hilde completely. He was not feeling the most stable right now and didn't want to chance doing anything to her inadvertently. 

Noticing the gray pre-dawn light starting to come through the room's small window, Duo decided he might as well get up for the day. Showered and dressed, he went to the student's cafeteria where a charming smile and some judicious flattery got him a tray piled high with eggs, pancakes, sausage and orange juice. There were a few students in the cafeteria; the hardcore early risers Duo figured and he had no trouble finding an empty table. Ignoring the looks some of the more alert students gave him, he dug into his breakfast, glad his appetite had started to return. 

He had almost finished and was contemplating going back for more when he heard a voice to his left. "Good morning. May I join you?"

He turned to face the voice and saw Jacqueline, looking more like a normal teenager in weekend jeans and school sweatshirt. "Sure," he smiled. 

She walked around the table and sat across from him, carefully arranging her silverware and napkin. "I didn't expect to see you this morning," Duo said, sopping up egg yolk with a piece of pancake. 

"I usually have breakfast at this time. I help Sister Josephina with her tasks in the morning. She's getting on in years and appreciates the help." Jacqueline took a sip of her orange juice. "You must have gotten up pretty early yourself."

"Yeah, you know how it is when you're always on the go." Duo stretched and rubbed his pleasantly full stomach and decided against seconds. "So you're a student here?"

Jacqueline nodded. "Yes. I board here. My aunt, she's taken care of me since my parents died, lives on another colony, so I live here at the school. I learned about Father Maxwell and the history of this place from Father Thomas. How did you know Father Maxwell and the others?"

"I got caught stealing and was sent here to the orphanage when I was a kid. They were great. Sister Helen's the one who did this," Duo lifted up his braid, still damp from the shower.

"And you haven't undone it since?"

"Of course I've...Hey, good one!" Duo beamed at her, pleased with her joke.

Jacqueline looked down and pushed some eggs around. "Thanks," she said, looking up and returning his smile. 

They sat silent for a few moments and then Duo asked, "If you don't mind my asking, how did you lose your parents?"

"I don't mind. I've grieved for them. We were on a shuttle that got caught in the crossfire between an OZ patrol and an Alliance battleship. My parents didn't make it to the escape pod in time."

"OZ. I'm sorry."

"Why? Are you a pilot for OZ?"

"No."

"Then you had nothing to do with it." Jacqueline went on eating her breakfast. "What about your parents?"

"I don't know. I never knew my father and I have only the vaguest memories of my mother. The people at the orphanage were pretty much the only family I ever knew. I took Father Maxwell's name and I wear these clothes so I won't forget them," he said simply. 

"Good morning, Jacqueline," said a bright voice next to the table. Duo looked up to see a pretty blonde girl standing with her tray. 

"Good morning, Katherine," Jacqueline said quietly.

"It looks like you have room, do you mind if I sit with you and your friend?"

Jacqueline shook her head. "Go ahead. I was almost finished anyway."

Katherine sat down in the chair next to Duo at the round table and turned to face him. "Hello, my name is Katherine St. Martin. You are?" She flashed him a dazzling white smile and Duo almost flinched back from the force of it.

"I'm Duo. Duo Maxwell."

"Well, Duo Maxwell, are you going to be a student here? I thought you were a priest at first, but then I realized you are way too young to be a priest. You're about our age, right?" she asked, indicating Jacqueline and herself. 

"No, I'm a friend of Father Thomas' I'm just...visiting."

"A visitor? Isn't that interesting, Jacqueline? Where are you visiting from?"

Duo glanced nervously at Jacqueline and saw her looking down at her tray, no longer interested in her breakfast. Not wishing to embarrass her in front of a classmate, Duo made a show of checking his watch. "Oh, no! Is it that late already? I'm going to be late for my meeting!" He turned to Jacqueline and took her free hand in his. "Listen, it was really nice seeing you again, Jackie," he said seriously, capturing her brown eyes with a teasing look in his own. "I'll see you again soon, okay?" Duo saw her eyes respond with their own teasing sparkle and he got up, tray and silverware in his hands. He looked at the blonde girl who was looking at Jacqueline with consternation. "Oh, Katherine, was it? Nice meeting you too." He turned on his heel and walked quickly towards the exit, whistling as he turned in his tray.

**

Duo stood just inside of the entrance to the dance club, pausing to let his eyes adjust to the dimness and loud music. 'What am I doing here?' The thought passed quickly through his mind as the bouncer gave him a good look up and down before jerking his thumb toward the interior of the club. Kaelin grabbed him by the arm. "Come on, Duo! Don't just stand there. The babes are waiting for that killer Maxwell charm." 

Duo allowed himself to be pulled toward the bar by his old friend from the sweeper group, once again thankful that he'd been on the colony instead of salvaging in outer space. Kaelin had been the one Duo planned to stay with while he was there on the colony. At the crowded bar, Kaelin pushed his way through and ordered two beers, giving one to Duo. "My treat," he winked, gesturing with the bottle. "Just to get you started. You're on your own for the rest of the night, old buddy." Duo smiled and sipped from his bottle, looking at the people crammed into the large room. 

Most of the people living in the colonies fell into two groups, technicians and grunts, the people who actually did the work. Duo noticed you could still tell the two groups apart in the club. Techies with too much money had the good booths, the good clothes and the good drugs. The working stiffs hung out at the bar and crowded the dance floor, drinking and dancing almost in a frenzy, trying to forget their hard daytime lives if only for a few hours. 'The way it always was in the clubs,' Duo remembered, eyes sliding over girls and women putting themselves on display for anyone who cared to look. 

Kaelin leaned over and said something to Duo, but it was lost to the pounding beat and Duo just nodded, hoping that was the right response. Apparently it was because Kaelin left his side and sidled up to a young dark-haired girl and started talking in her ear. She must have liked what he said because she smiled and nodded, following him to the dance floor. Duo shook his head and smiled wryly. Kaelin had always been like that, able to get people to do what he wanted. Duo had been reminded of that when he'd shown up at the yard earlier that morning and Kaelin had him busting his ass five minutes after saying hello. 

When they were done for the day, Kaelin insisted on taking him out for a night on the town and wouldn't listen to Duo's protests. "You can't go out in that get-up," Kaelin frowned, eyeing his priest's collar and black shirt.

"I don't have anything else. Listen, I'm really tired, you go out. I'll stay here and keep an eye on the place, okay?"

"No, you are going out. I'll find something for you to wear," Kaelin answered, rummaging through his drawers.

"Would it make any difference to you if I said I have to wash my hair?" Duo asked, holding up the end of his braid.

"Hah! With you that's no joke!" Kaelin threw a handful of clothes at Duo. "Get cleaned up and put these on. You can thank me later."

So now Duo was in the middle of a jumping dance club wearing borrowed jeans with a hole in the knee and a red tank top with a denim shirt over it, feeling quite out of place. He moved away from the crowded bar, looking for somewhere he could stand without being elbowed every few seconds. He finally found a spot by the rail separating the section with the booths from the bar area and took a deep breath. He looked for his buddy, but couldn't see him. 'Must be on the floor already,' he thought fanning himself. It was hot in the club and the denim shirt was heavy. He set his beer carefully on the rail and removed the shirt, meaning to tie it around his waist, but was suddenly pushed forward and his beer crashed to the linoleum floor.

"Hey!" he snarled, spinning around, the sleeves of the shirt still in his hands. 

"Sorry!" a girl in the booth shouted. She was sitting with three rich techie guys and they were all laughing hysterically. She had been trying to stand up but slipped and fell against Duo. He could see they were all high and blew out a short breath of disgust. He finished tying the shirt and moved away from them, back to the bar for another beer. 

The crush was worse this time and Duo found himself wishing he were taller. Finally, another beer in hand, he spied a vacant table and sat down, hoping he would spot Kaelin so he could tell him he was leaving. He figured he owed him the courtesy of not worrying him if he came looking for him. 

He was almost finished with his beer and was just about ready to leave with or without telling Kaelin when he felt someone tugging on his braid. He frowned and turned around, seeing a young blonde woman with an impish smile holding on to the end of the length. She came closer and sat down, leaning forward so Duo could hear her. "I was wondering if that would get your attention," she said, handing the end of his braid back to him. "I've been watching you for about half an hour, trying to get your attention."

Duo looked at her, seeing long blonde hair worn loose and dark eyes that might be lighter once seen in normal light. She looked a little older than he, maybe about 18 or so and she exuded a kind of sexual frankness. Duo liked her. "Well, you got it," he grinned, pouring all of the Maxwell charm he could muster into that smile, "what're you gonna do with it?"

"You don't look like you're having any fun," she said, her breath tickling his ear.

"I've been waiting for the right person to have fun with," he responded easily. Flirtation, like piloting, had come naturally and early to him. "What's your name?"

"Ty. What's yours?"

"Duo."

"Well come on, Duo. Let's go have some fun." She stood up and took his hand, moving easily through the crowd to the dance floor. Ty moved with practiced ease and effortless grace and it took Duo a few minutes until he could match her moves, his body remembering another time when this was his life. She reached out and put her hands on his shoulders and he responded by putting his hands on her hips and they moved, perfectly in sync. Her eyes bore into his own and soon Duo could feel another kind of heat building up inside of him, seeing the same thing in Ty's expression and feeling it in her movements. 

She put her arms around his neck and pulled closer. Duo could smell her, a combination of sweat and perfume, which only heightened his desire. "Do you have your own place?" she asked. Duo shook his head, still moving to the beat, using their closeness to his advantage. "Let's go to mine." 

Duo nodded and pulled her from the dance floor. They walked past the bouncer who gave them a single, wordless nod and out into the damp air of the colony night. Duo's head was still reverberating from the noise of the club and he felt almost giddy as he followed Ty to her apartment. They started kissing on the landing in front of her door as she entered her security code and he reveled in the taste and touch of another living, breathing human being. The apartment was only one room and they fell on the bed, giggling as the springs made a loud protest. 

Ty lay on top of him, kissing him, touching him and it felt so good, so good to be touched again in this way by someone. By someone he didn't know, didn't care about, wouldn't have to see again, wouldn't have to see die because of something he did. 'I shouldn't be doing this,' a small part of him said, but he ignored it. He was tired, he needed this. He wasn't a machine made to work or kill endlessly, he was human. 'I need this.' Ty kissed his mouth deeply and Duo gave a muffled groan. Shinigami gave up and surrendered to life. 

**

Duo stood in the void again and groaned. 'Not again,' he thought grimly and started walking. He knew by now that it didn't really matter what direction he started in, that he would end up in the right place, the only place. 

"Duo..." voices whispered around him, sounding like mischievous children playing blind man's bluff and he waved his hands, trying to make them stop. Even though he couldn't see anything, he could tell that in this version of his recurring nightmare, he was dressed as he had been at the club and wondered what that meant. 

'That and the voices saying my name...' he thought as he spied the dim green glow up ahead. The voices became more harsh and mocking as he approached the Gundam and then fell silent when the Deathscythe's beam scythe flared to life, once again shedding harsh light on the featureless plain. With more light, Duo could see his clothes and the voices weren't the only things different this time. Standing at the feet of the Gundam, gun drawn, was...himself. 

Duo stopped about ten feet away from the familiar figure. His double was wearing Duo's regular outfit of black shirt, priest's collar, black jodhpurs and boots, but the double's face was devoid of any emotion. "Who're you?" Duo asked the doppelganger.

"I'm you."

"Why are you here?" 

The figure raised his gun and pointed it directly at Duo's chest. "To destroy you. I am Shinigami." Shinigami-Duo fired and Duo shut his eyes, bracing himself for the bullet, hoping he'd wake up before it hit.

"Duo!" a voice screamed and his eyes snapped open.

"Hilde?" Duo sat up, making the old bedsprings squeak again. Next to him, Ty shifted and mumbled and suddenly he remembered where he was. He scrubbed his face with his rough hands and tried to still his breathing. He looked around for a clock, but didn't see one and it was too dark to see his watch. 

Not wanting to disturb Ty, he carefully got out of bed and padded naked across the room to the only window and peeked out. 'No light yet. Maybe between three or four in the morning. That's about par for the course. And my hair...' he thought, running his hands through the loose, wavy mass. 'Shit. All tangled.' Eyes adjusted, he found his clothes on the floor and quickly dressed, checking in the small bathroom for something he could use for his hair. He found several elastic bands in a drawer, helped himself to a few and quickly got his hair into a loose ponytail. 

He shrugged on the denim shirt and looked back at Ty, a small smile on his lips. She looked younger than he did now, loose blonde hair spread out on the pillow. Duo bent over her and kissed the sleeping girl's cheek lightly. 'Take care of yourself,' he thought as he expertly manipulated the door's security lock to let himself out. 

The streets were deserted and Duo walked slowly, hands deep in the pockets of the borrowed jeans, his thoughts on the latest version of the nightmare. 'I'm trying to destroy myself?' Duo shook his head and stepped around a pile of debris in the sidewalk. 'And that voice. I swear that's what woke me up. I would have been toast. It sounded like Hilde...' The German girl's face came to his mind and he smiled slightly. 'I wonder what she'd think about Ty? I wonder if...nah, one-night stands aren't her thing. At least, I hope they're not her thing.' 

Duo let himself into Kaelin's place, not surprised that he guessed the security code on the first try. "Hello?" he called out to the dark apartment. 'Hmm. I guess he got lucky tonight too,' he thought when there was no answer. Not tired at all, Duo rummaged around in the fridge and popped open a can of soda, done with alcohol for the night. Walking back into the living room he plopped down on the lumpy couch and picked up the remote control, flipping disinterestedly through the channels. 'What day is it?' He squinted at the display on the television. 'Sunday. Maybe I'll go to mass...'

**

"I noticed you didn't take communion today," Father Thomas said, raising one eyebrow.

"I didn't go to confession yesterday, either." Duo sat in his old friend's office, eyes restlessly looking around the room. "I had another nightmare. This time, I was me and there was another me that tried to kill me."

"Okay, I think I follow that."

"Well, okay. The dream started and I was aware of myself, walking again in that black place. Like always, there was my Gundam, but at the bottom of it, was another me. I had a gun, I mean, the other me had a gun and he said he was me and he was going to destroy me. Then he fired."

"What happened then?"

"I woke up."

"That was it?"  
"Well, the other me shot and I just stood there like I was frozen and then I heard a voice scream my name. I woke up and I was okay."

"Did you recognize the voice?"  
Duo nodded. "It sounded like Hilde."

"Who's Hilde?"  
"A girl I met. She used to pilot for OZ, but I talked her out of that. I have...feelings for her, but I'm scared."

"Scared? Of what?"

Duo leaned back in the chair, looked up at the ceiling and closed his eyes. "Of her getting hurt or killed. Because of me."

"How do you know that's going to happen?"

"Because it always happens to people I love."

Father Thomas looked at the troubled young man in the chair. His eyes were still closed and his arms hung limply over the arms of the chair, long legs stretched out in front of him. He almost hadn't recognized him when he saw him at mass. Duo wasn't in his priest's outfit, but rather a pair of jeans and a white button down shirt. "When did you start having these nightmares?"

"My birthday," Duo replied quietly, now looking at the ceiling. "I've been doing this for over a year now. I'm sixteen years old and I've killed more people than kids squash bugs. I need to go back. I wanted to come by and tell you I'm leaving."

"You can stay here as long as you like. You are very welcome here."

"I know. I'm needed though. I can't leave the other guys to fight without me." Duo sat up and looked around the office again, wanting to leave, but not able to move. 

"Don't go just yet. Did anyone else know it was your birthday? Did you celebrate?"

Duo shook his head, looking down at the rug. "No. I didn't tell anyone. It didn't seem that important. We were busy getting ready to come back to outer space."

"No celebration? No gifts?" Father Thomas frowned. "That won't do. Here, let me give you this." He reached around the back of his neck and Duo watched him take off the gold crucifix he wore.

"No, I can't take that. You've had that for years. Father Maxwell gave you that."

"I think you need it more than I do right now." Father Thomas stood up and came around the desk to stand next to Duo's chair.

Duo stood up. "No. I won't take it," he said emphatically. "You can't make me."

"How about if I loan it to you? You can give it back to me when you feel you no longer need it. I want you to wear it and think about us here when you are out there fighting. Think about who you're fighting for and know there are those of us here who love you."

Duo looked up at Father Thomas, eyes wide. Mutely, he nodded and felt the cold gold chain around his neck as he fastened the clasp. 'Who I'm fighting for... Hilde...' he thought, slipping the crucifix under the shirt. 

**

He finally managed to contact Quatre the next day, surprised at all of the changes that had taken place in the few days he'd been gone. Quatre was sending a shuttle to rendezvous with the Peacemillion, not the Winner resource satellite like Duo had thought. "Things have happened kind of fast around here. Deathscythe's here, waiting for you," Quatre told him.

'I'll bet,' Duo thought grimly. "Okay, buddy, I'll be there just as soon as I can, okay?"

"Okay Duo. Have you gotten any...rest?" Quatre asked, concern evident on his face.

"I'll be okay. You let me worry about me," Duo grinned, hoping to assuage Quatre's worry. 

"All right. It'll be good to have you back, Duo. Everyone else is too serious around here," Quatre smiled.

"They won't be for long once I get there! See you soon." Duo broke the transmission and took a deep breath, fingering the chain of the crucifix Father Thomas gave him yesterday. He remembered when Father Maxwell gave it to Matt. He'd finally given up his bullying ways and given in to Father Maxwell's urging and decided to go into the seminary. Father Maxwell had given it to him upon his acceptance into the seminary and Duo remembered being quite jealous of the attention Matt was getting. 

Back in his regular clothes, Duo grabbed his jacket and duffel bag and walked out of Kaelin's apartment, finding his friend at the yard. "Hey man, I'm gonna take off.."

Kaelin wiped his brow and clasped Duo's hand and elbow. "In and out, huh? It's been good seeing you." Like most of the Sweeper Group, Kaelin knew what he did and didn't envy him one bit. 

"Yeah. Sorry about that. Thanks for the sleeping place and for the night out."

"Hey, no problem. You take care of yourself out there, okay?"

"Yeah. See you when this is all over, okay?"

"Yeah man. Go on, get out of here! I'm getting all emotional." Kaelin shooed him away and Duo smiled, glad he was his friend. Father Thomas's words echoed in his mind, _'Think about who you're fighting for and know there are those of us here who love you.' _

Knowing he had a little time, he stopped by the church again and sat in the quiet. He still felt tired and run down, still not able to get a full night's sleep. He'd all ready been up since three in the morning. 

The nightmare had him with the gun this time, shooting himself. He remembered the feeling of the gun in his hand, the gut wrenching pain of trying to resist the horrible commands coming from the voices in the void, the commands to kill himself. The human part of himself. The double stood there, watching him, a small smile playing on his lips and soon he joined in the taunting. "Come on, Duo, kill me," his double said, walking closer. "Kill me. You won't fear anymore, won't anger, won't doubt. Won't love." Duo had closed his eyes, willing himself to be stronger, to throw the gun down and run away into the void and when he opened them, he saw the other Duo stood now with his chest against the barrel. "Then you will be Shinigami."

"No!" Duo shouted. All around him, the voices were crying out "Shinigami...Shinigami" over and over again in shrill, strident tones and Duo felt his head throbbing, his resolve weakening. 

"Duo! No!" another voice shouted out of the black, cold void. A voice he knew and welcomed.

"Hilde! Hilde, where are you?" He looked around him, seeing only the Gundam and his maniacally grinning double. 

"I'm here, Duo. I'm always with you," Hilde's voice sounded, echoing all around him.

Duo heard the other more sinister voices falter and he took advantage of it, dropping the gun. "I am Duo Maxwell!" he shouted defiantly to the Gundam, turning his back on the double. "You will not turn me into your Shinigami!"

"Then die!" He whirled just in time to see the other Duo down on one knee, pistol trained on him and he leapt out of the way just as the shot came.

He'd woken up then, the impact of falling on the floor doing the job this time. He'd fallen off of Kaelin's narrow couch and hit his head on the nearby table. He had lay quietly for a moment, checking to see if he was bleeding and breathed a sigh of relief when he was not. 

Now, in the church he brought out his rosary again and fingered it. He didn't really have the time, so he put it back in his jacket pocket and went up to the front of the church, putting a few coins in the box for candles and lit some, saying a short prayer for each. One for Father Maxwell, Sister Helen and the others, one for all of the OZ pilots and people he'd hurt and finally, one for himself and the other Gundam pilots. 

When he turned to go, he saw Jacqueline standing by the doors. He walked over and stood next to her. "Are you leaving?" she asked.

"Yeah. Sorry to say hi and bye."

"Will I see you again?"  
"Maybe you will and maybe you won't. Don't bet on it though." Duo smiled at her. "Make me a promise, okay? Go to earth one day. See where it all started."

Jacqueline nodded and smiled. "Okay." She watched him go and felt her world get a little less colorful without the prospect of him in it. Maybe one day she'd see him again...

**

"Hey, Duo's here!" exclaimed Howard when Duo walked onto the bridge of Peacemillion.

"Howard! How's it going?" Duo asked, clasping hands with his old friend.

"Duo!" Quatre exclaimed when he saw the braided pilot. "Look who I found." He moved aside and Trowa stepped forward. 

"Hello, Duo. It's been a while."

"Trowa! Oh man! We thought you were a goner!" Duo slapped the undemonstrative young man on the back, glad to see him alive. 

Heero leaned against a panel, arms crossed. "So. You're back."

Duo stood next to him and grinned the shit-eating grin he knew annoyed Heero so much. "Yup. I knew you couldn't make it without me."

The Wing Zero pilot looked at him from under shaggy bangs and stood straight. "Just be ready to fight when the time comes," he said as he walked away.

"Yeah, I missed you too, Yuy," Duo called after him. He followed Quatre, Trowa and Noin into the cafeteria to be briefed on the doings of the last few days, slapping Wu-Fei on the back of the head on the way in. "Hey, Wu-Fei, how's it going?"

"It was going much quieter around here," he snarled, annoyed at being so rudely disturbed from his meditation. 

"Aww, come on, you know you love me!" Duo exclaimed, making a kissy face to the other pilot, smiling when Wu-Fei let out an exasperated snort and turned his back. He knew if Wu-Fei had been really mad, he'd be in the infirmary right now. It felt so good to be back with the others, but at the same time, Duo worried about being able to hold it together once things got hot on the battlefield and he only half-listened to Quatre and Noin. Suddenly, the blaring alarm startled Duo out of his reverie and he sat straight up. "What's going on?"

"It sounds like an attack," Quatre said, standing up. "Come on." Sally Po's voice came over the ship's speakers informing them of the attack and the size of the force as the pilots raced for their Gundams. 

Suited up, Duo stood for a moment outside of Deathscythe and looked at it. It still looked the same he noted. Quatre told him no one else had been in it since he'd left. 'You won't defeat me this time,' he thought as he strapped himself in and moved out with the others. Outside of Peacemillion, the sheer numbers of the mobile dolls astounded him. "There's so many," he breathed.

"Yes, now get busy!" came Wu-Fei's tart reply. Nataku had already sliced about three of them, Duo saw. 

Duo felt the old rush coming back, his pulse quickening and a silly grin spreading across his face. These were just mobile dolls, no problem for him at all. "Stand back baby, I'm comin' in!" he shouted gleefully, scythe swinging. Suddenly, like a voice from a dream, he heard Hilde. "Hilde? Hilde!" he shouted into the com, feeling panic start to rise when there was no response.

"Go to her Duo! We'll handle it here!" Quatre shouted at him, propelling Duo into action.

Duo sent Deathscythe blazing across the sky and soon saw what could only be Hilde's disabled Taurus cruiser, gamely trying to escape two suits he wasn't familiar with. 'Oh God, Hilde, hold on, hold on!' his mind screamed as he desperately pushed his suit to its limits, unaware of the rising growl coming from his throat. The enemy suits were lowering their guns, getting ready to fire and then he was there, protecting her with the Deathscythe, taking the full brunt of their guns. 

He'd yelled at Hilde then, not even thinking of what he was saying, just knowing that he was so glad, so glad he'd gotten to her in time. He saw her bleeding, heard her explanation and all he could do was berate her. He'd had to turn his attention to the suits then, glad to have something to take his frustration and fear out on. 'Is this what it's like?' he thought as he fought the hardest battle he'd had so far. There was a reason he was glad Trowa and Heero were on his side, they were damn good pilots. 'Is this how I'm going to feel every time she goes out and almost gets herself killed? Does she know how she worries me when she does stuff like this? Jesus God, don't let her die in that suit. Don't let her die in the cold of outer space.' 

**

Duo watched as the medical staff wheeled Hilde's still form away on the gurney. He knew they would do the best they could, but she had been cold to the touch when they pulled her out. Duo had held her hand, running beside the gurney as far as he could, worry evident in his blue eyes. Quatre stood next to him as the team went through the double doors to that cut off the operating area and Duo sagged against him. "God Quatre, she wasn't even wearing a suit or a helmet," he whispered, "what if that suit had sprung a leak? Why did she do this?" he implored, covering his face with his hands.

Quatre looked at the grieving pilot and gave him a nudge with his shoulder. "I think you know," he said quietly, walking a small distance away to give Duo some privacy. 

'I do know. She did this for me. Dammit! Now someone else is going to...all because of me!' He balled up a fist and smacked it into the wall, hopping up and down with the pain his rash action had caused.

"Did that make you feel better?"

Duo turned around and saw Heero, still in his flight suit like the rest of them. He remembered something Hilde had told him before she blacked out. "Heero, Relena is on the Libra," he said, seeing the Gundam pilot's eyes widen in surprise. "Go to her. Don't be like me, Heero. Go to her," he whispered urgently, watching Heero whirl around, making a beeline for his Gundam.

Letting himself be coaxed into it, Duo changed out of the flight suit and splashed his face with cold water, looking at eyes red from tears he hadn't known he'd shed. He looked so much older than his sixteen years to himself. The glint of the gold chain around his neck caught his eye before he buttoned up his collar all the way and he pulled out the little crucifix, thinking of Father Maxwell and all of the other people on the colony he was fighting to save. He said a silent prayer for Hilde and walked slowly back to the waiting room. 

Quatre, Trowa and Wu-Fei were already there and Noin sat down next to Duo, putting her arm around his shoulders. "She'll be okay," she said reassuringly. Comforted by the close contact, he leaned against her shoulder. His body's reserves were almost depleted and he felt exhaustion start to overwhelm him. 

'I'll just close my eyes for just a minute,' he thought, slipping into a deep sleep. The nightmare came again, as he knew it would and for once, the voices were silent. He stood before his Gundam, looking up at it, eyes hurting from the blazing light of the beam scythe. "Well, here I am again. What do you want?" he asked the mobile suit.

"You," came the reply the Duo felt more than heard.

"I am not yours to have. I belong to someone else now."

"Mine. Mine to command. Shinigami."

Duo shook his head, not thinking it odd at all to be reasoning with his mobile suit in this familiar featureless void. "No. I command me. I will not be your Shinigami."

"Yes! Shinigami!" 

"No. Not anymore."

"Die." The suit took a ponderous step forward and started to bring the double-bladed weapon down and Duo did not fear it. In one split second, he thought of his experiences of the last few days, the knowledge that people cared for him and he cared for them back, that just knowing him did not doom them. He felt the thoughts and the care of the other Gundam pilots swirling around him and over it all, he felt his love for the girl he somehow now knew would make it. 

He raised his hand and spoke a single word. "Live." The beam scythe snapped off and the Gundam halted its movement, the green light slowly dying from its eyes.

"...live. Hilde's going to be okay!"

Duo felt himself being shaken and opened his eyes, seeing the blurred faces of Quatre and Noin. "What? What happened?" he asked groggily.

"Hilde's going to live, Duo!" Noin exclaimed, hugging him.

"The doctor just came out. They're taking her into recovery right now," Quatre told him, a wide smile on his face.

Duo's heart leapt and he jumped up. "Can I see her?"

"Sort of, come on!" Quatre grabbed Duo's arm and they ran down the hall, followed more sedately by Noin, Trowa and Wu-Fei. They stopped by a window and Duo saw her, looking awfully small and surrounded by tubes. He skin looked like it had some color back and her chest rose and fell with a reassuring rhythm. 

"She isn't out of the anesthetic yet, so this is as close as you can get right now," Noin said, standing beside him. "What a brave girl."

"Yeah..." was all Duo could say. It was all he needed to say.

**

After a few hours in recovery, Hilde had been deemed well enough for a private room and Duo sat next to her bed, running his fingers over his wooden rosary beads, listening to her breathing. The others had been by to check on Hilde and see if he needed anything. Quatre had brought a pot of tea and it still stood untouched on the small dresser. Duo had asked about Heero, but no one had seen him since Duo told him where Relena was. "I'm not surprised. We probably won't see him again until this is all over," Duo commented to Trowa.

He was the only other person in the room now; Peacemillion was well into its night cycle and everyone else was asleep or on night duty. He heard Hilde's breathing change and looked up, putting the rosary back into his pocket and taking Hilde's hand, brushing his lips across it softly. "Duo?" she asked, voice hoarse from shouting and the breathing tube they'd had to insert earlier. 

"I'm here." He stood up so she could see him and brushed her black hair away from her forehead. "You want some water? Doc said you'd be thirsty when you woke up." 

She nodded and tried to sit up. Duo held her gently down. "No, no. Not yet. Stay down." He filled a plastic cup with water and put a plastic bendy straw in it, angling it carefully so she could drink with minimum discomfort. "Okay, now just a little at a time. There you go." He put the water back down and looked back at her, smiling, relieved she was finally awake. 

"Did you get..." Hilde started but Duo silenced her, placing his index finger on her lips.

"No talking. You had a breathing tube in you and doc says that does a number on your throat. I can talk enough for both of us," Duo said, glad to see her smile a little. "Yes, we got the disk and they're working at processing the information now."

"How long...?"

"You're not listening, Hilde. No talking. You probably want to know how long you've been out, huh?" Hilde nodded, eyes starting to droop again. The doctor had told him to expect that, too. "A few hours. This business isn't over yet. Now, you need to rest some more. I'm going to stay right here for a while, okay? The button to call the nurse is right here." Duo put her finger on the button. "Relax, close your eyes and relax," he crooned, stroking her bandaged cheek. 

He thought she was asleep again when he felt a tugging on his hand. He leaned over the bed, closer to Hilde. "What?" he whispered.

"I...love you, Duo Maxwell," she whispered back. Duo felt his cheeks burn and his heartbeat quicken as he looked back down at her. She was already back asleep, her breathing deep and even.

"I love you too," Duo breathed shakily, glad that he had not given in to his nightmares, glad that Hilde had been there to save him from himself. He thought for a moment and left her side, sticking his head out into the hallway. It was empty. He sat back down in the chair by the bed and removed his shoes, wiggling his toes in relief. Walking around to the other side of the bed, he carefully put down the rail and sat on the bed, swinging his legs up. Gingerly, he laid down on his side and pillowed his head on his outstretched arm, putting the other one protectively around Hilde. In minutes, Duo was in a deep and dreamless sleep.


End file.
